I am a great transgender woman because I am unrelenting, friendly thoughtful and funny. I was born male and my transition is still ongoing. I can be horribly lazy, selfish and pessimistic time mind you, but I am a great woman at heart and I am tired of seeking men or society for validation of my own worth.
Throughout most of my life, I‘ve been seeking approval from men for self worth. I realize it is a game I don’t need to play anymore. Building confidence is a life time continual work of progress. Being a confident woman takes a lot of work, and being transgender makes it that much harder.
Women are often judged on our appearance, physical desirability. Unmarried women in their late 20s and 30s are often described as “left over women” in China. They are also called spinster or old maid in the western world. These terms left us with an image of women losers that are left over on the shelves awaiting expiry dates.
It also reminds me of my experience of being the last one to be picked in gym class or school projects. Since grade five, I’ve been heavily bullied. My sense of worth plummeted to almost zero after many years of confined torture also known as homophobic bullying. I wanted acceptance but what I received was abuse, contempt, harassments and alienation. I wanted friendship and love but what I live with is depression, anxiety and self loathing. As an adult, when I think about the men and women who reject me outright or gradually disappear from my life because of my transgender status, I feel like history is repeating itself. Am I going to remain in loserville for the rest of my life?
Then I think about my single mother, who I considered to be the most beautiful woman on earth. My mom gives me love each day through her words and actions. She never let the fact that she is single bring her down, she does everything for her children out of love and I almost think there are no men on earth that is both man enough and good enough for her.
I become stronger when I think about my mom and the love she has for me, as well as the few men and women who has shown true love for me in the past. There’s no better way to honor the love I received than to deeply love myself and accept myself. From now till the day I die, I am going to go on a battle with self hatred and I am going to win love – for myself.