For the past 10 to 15 years, I’ve been suffering from depression, and I don’t feel like a fully human at least for a few hours every day. I spend 30 minutes running on a treadmill. The remaining time is for working or sleeping or surfing the internet. Sleeping gives me the breathing room to be away from my own conscious s hell. Running has allowed me to be productive while I am awake; it gives me the boost I need to get on with each day. On the rare occasions that I don't run, I feel extremely negative about myself and life in general. Specifically, I would feel uncomfortable with the way I look, and I’d get so nervous and close to having panic attacks.
Running is just a band aid solution for me though. As the effects of endorphins die down, and the euphoric feeling I get from running dwindles, I start losing my concentration, Negative thoughts resurface and multiply, and I go back to my old habits of numbing myself with unrestrained internet surfing, binge eating and other self-sabotaging behavior.
Years of depression and social anxiety have caused me to lose touch with myself. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t medicated with one pill or another. On my good days, I feel like a walking shell. On my bad days, I cannot stop thinking and worrying about people and everything that goes on in my surroundings.
I haven’t always been this way, not until I was into my adolescent years. The most important lesson I learned in high school was self-loathing. I was called a loser and abused everyday at school by bullies, and I was paralyzed with fear. The bullies made me feel worthless. I also started hating myself because I believed I was an ugly faggot, not worthy of having friends, let alone being loved.
Since the bullying, I became desperate. The way I feel about myself depends entirely on whether I have a boyfriend or any friends at the moment. II came to see myself as someone who cannot be fixed because I internalized myself to the extent that my entire identity is my depression, social anxiety and self loathing. Since I spent my formative years hating myself and living with the mental health issues that have arisen due to bullying, I never had a chance to develop fully into the person I was meant to be, nor have I really come to term with who I am. I was labeled a faggot before I became aware of my own sexuality, and my gender identity came into question when life became unbearable for many different reasons, such as never feeling like I was a man to begin with, and never feeling self acceptance or acceptance from others. What will my identity be if I am ever fixed?
Different psychiatrists and psychologists have worked with me, to no avail. I was put on one medication and another. Nothing changed how I feel about myself or about life. One mental health professional told me my depression is not related to my gender identity or sexuality, and that I should not transition to a woman until I made the transition to be a fully functioning human being. I did not take his advice. Instead, I felt rejected. I visited another psychiatrist and he told me I have gender identity disorder after half an hour of speaking with me. He gave me the green light to start hormone therapy and I never saw him or any other psychiatrist again.
My life hasn’t gotten any easier since I began my hormone therapy. In some ways, I met even more discrimination and prejudices. On the other hand, the way other people see me, and the way I see myself has improved as I start looking more like a female with each passing day. I met a few men who have shown me true understanding and love, who made me feel better about who I am. Nevertheless, I still have trouble changing the way I feel about myself. It is true that “the more things change, the more they remain the same.”
My issue with self acceptance is made even more complicated as I continue to struggle with my identity: Am I a woman or a man, or both or neither? More importantly, depression and social anxiety are still my only constant companions and reminders of how little I have changed over the years and how much my history of being bullied informed the kind of person I am today. The paralyzing effect of fear and self loathing continue to put my life on hold, perhaps indefinitely, so the only thing left for me to do is to run.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
The political isnt very personal
The longer I spend in the workforce, the more unfairness I’ve experienced. I used to be idealistic and I believe in unions (I still do), but I am no longer enthusaitic about unions and the idea of workers solidarity that entails. Even though I am still against conservatism and trickledown economics, the problem with both left wing and right wing ideologies does not accurately account for how people act in a real life setting. We hear a lot about income inequality and workplace exploitation, but I never hear politicians or social activists protest against cronyism, bullying which is the daily reality of today’s workplace. This is not a surprise since bullying starts at the very top; the Harper’s government in Canada is a good example of the effectiveness of bullying at the political level
As someone suffering with depression and doesn’t particularly enjoy social interaction because of my social anxiety, I continue to have a difficult time in the workplace and in other areas of my social life. I made myself a easy target for bullying because I don’t make friends easily with supervisors and managers; I simply can’t wait to find out the treatment I will receive from co workers and managers when/if they found out that I am a pre op transgender woman. That’s a whole can of worms I am not going to open for now.
I see co workers who work less than me, but are treated more leniently because they carry favors with the supervisor, while I am often being harassed for being lazy even though I am always taking initiative to find work where there is none to do. I am being misjudged simply because I like to sit at my own desk and close my eyes when I am on my break so I can reduce my anxiety (which in the long run increase my workplace productivity). I have to say my supervisor is not the most competent person, and I don’t understand why someone with little job knowledge should be given the job of supervising and (bullying) those with less power.
Despite the unions’ rhetoric on fairness, I do believe that seniority in unions can contribute to workplace unfairness and even bullying.
Why is it fair for people to have their jobs protected simply because they have been employed the longest and belong to a union? For those who never had the opportunity to belong to a union (including myself), we are the first to let go whenever there is any layoff; however, we are also asked to extend solidarity to workers by putting ourselves on the chopping block so we can protect those who‘ve been employed the longest, despite the fact that they might not have worked very hard to being with and they had only been employed because of cronyism or family connection, how is that fair to most of us who never had the privilege, social background or luck to join a union?
As someone suffering with depression and doesn’t particularly enjoy social interaction because of my social anxiety, I continue to have a difficult time in the workplace and in other areas of my social life. I made myself a easy target for bullying because I don’t make friends easily with supervisors and managers; I simply can’t wait to find out the treatment I will receive from co workers and managers when/if they found out that I am a pre op transgender woman. That’s a whole can of worms I am not going to open for now.
I see co workers who work less than me, but are treated more leniently because they carry favors with the supervisor, while I am often being harassed for being lazy even though I am always taking initiative to find work where there is none to do. I am being misjudged simply because I like to sit at my own desk and close my eyes when I am on my break so I can reduce my anxiety (which in the long run increase my workplace productivity). I have to say my supervisor is not the most competent person, and I don’t understand why someone with little job knowledge should be given the job of supervising and (bullying) those with less power.
Despite the unions’ rhetoric on fairness, I do believe that seniority in unions can contribute to workplace unfairness and even bullying.
Why is it fair for people to have their jobs protected simply because they have been employed the longest and belong to a union? For those who never had the opportunity to belong to a union (including myself), we are the first to let go whenever there is any layoff; however, we are also asked to extend solidarity to workers by putting ourselves on the chopping block so we can protect those who‘ve been employed the longest, despite the fact that they might not have worked very hard to being with and they had only been employed because of cronyism or family connection, how is that fair to most of us who never had the privilege, social background or luck to join a union?
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Your Recession is My Depression
by CY
It may not be unusual for those who are mentally ill to have run-ins with the police. Nigel Elder suffered from schizophrenia and life was confusing for him. On January 12, the police were called because someone saw a man waving a gun from a moving vehicle. 50 officers, including police negotiators and tactical squad officers, soon chased Nigel.
It may not be unusual for those who are mentally ill to have run-ins with the police. Nigel Elder suffered from schizophrenia and life was confusing for him. On January 12, the police were called because someone saw a man waving a gun from a moving vehicle. 50 officers, including police negotiators and tactical squad officers, soon chased Nigel.
Nigel was confused. He didn’t have any gun, and he just wanted to get a slice of pizza. It may very well be that his unusual behavior partly caused by schizophrenia, in addition to the fact that he is black, contributed to the police standoff.
Nigel was eventually charged with possession of a small amount of marijuana and driving without a driver’s license. The mother, Maria Elder, believed her son should have been treated as someone with a mental illness, not a criminal.
Nigel was eventually charged with possession of a small amount of marijuana and driving without a driver’s license. The mother, Maria Elder, believed her son should have been treated as someone with a mental illness, not a criminal.
Even though I do not suffer from schizophrenia, I know the last thing a person dealing with mental health challenges needs is to go through a traumatizing experience with armed police officers.
I also know the outside world is a cruel and painful place to live in for someone who is considered a visible minority and experiencing mental health and employment difficulties.
We also know from research that mental health issues like depression, anxiety and psychosis are linked to discrimination based on a person’s race, sexual orientation, gender identity, and sex.
Many immigrants and former immigrants, including myself, struggle everyday to find or work at low pay and highly stressful employment. According to psychiatrist Kwama McKenzie, our risk of developing mental illness increases every time we experience discrimination, feel threatened or attacked by our employers, police authorities, or suffer verbal/physical abuse.
According to Steve Lurie, the executive director of the Canadian Mental Health Association, people living with serious mental illness are likely to die 25 years earlier.
Even though I have a university education, I accept whatever job is thrown at me, despite the fact that I have never had a full time job and all my jobs have been of extremely low pay and temporary in nature. As a result, I have accumulated a huge load of debts and I live in fear when I am unemployed.
Even though I have a university education, I accept whatever job is thrown at me, despite the fact that I have never had a full time job and all my jobs have been of extremely low pay and temporary in nature. As a result, I have accumulated a huge load of debts and I live in fear when I am unemployed.
Lately, I notice my mental state is worsening everyday as I realize that no one has called me for an interview or a job offer. Even though I am regularly taking my anti-depressant pills, I am becoming paranoid, and unemployment is eating away at me that I found it increasingly difficult to cope with daily life in a healthy way.
Maybe, just maybe, my situation is partly due to the fact that Canada spends only 5% of its health budget on mental health share services, less than most OECD countries, and the province of Ontario, where I reside, spends less per capita that most other provinces on mental health.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Hellbound Call Center
by CY
As a part time telemarketer, I often notice people ranting online about how much they hate telemarketers, brainstorming ways to annoy us for revenge. I tend to empathized with those who take out their frustration on the relatively innocent telemarketers.
I admit I was rude to telemarketers several times too. I once loudly yelled, “Good Luck!” to a telemarketer trying to sell me credit cards.
Despite what telemarketing companies claim, I believe nobody becomes a telemarketer selling credit cards over the phone by choice.
Is it Any Wonder?
by CY
Is it any wonder that the Canadian Addiction and Mental Health Centre states that depression is the most significant cause of suicide for both younger and older Canadians?
We all know life is unfair. Life is particularly unfair for many who suffer from mental health issues or other disabilities. While we often hear public lip service about the need to respect and treat mentally ill people, I believe one of the biggest problems facing many people suffering from mental health issues is related to employment, or the lack thereof.
Many people who suffer from depression and anxiety are not qualified for disability benefits. We are forced to work, but what happens when nobody will hire us?
I want to work and be a productive member of society, but employers do not hire people who don’t appear “normal” or “ideal," particularly during periods when there is a scarcity of jobs. We are caught in a Catch-22. We can’t find work because of our depression/anxiety, which worsens our mental health condition. We have no income, and our mental health is further worsening but we have to wait until the point of severe mental illness or physical disabilities before we become eligible for disability benefits.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
To protect and shield their wrongdoings?
by CY
Over the past six months, I talked with some people who either oppose or support the actions of our police forces during the G20 summits. While I didn’t participate in any of the G20 demonstrations, I am saddened and disappointed that our police force is given the power to harass and, in a few cases, cowardly beat people, such as Adam Nobody, for simply congregating in a public setting like Queen’s Park. While politicians and our police force are quick to condemn and arrest the people responsible for the vandalism that took place during the G20 summits, none of the complaints filed against officers who allegedly used excessive force during the weekend on June 26, 2010 have resulted in any charges, let alone criminal convictions. i
No one wants to live in a country controlled by gang leaders or criminals. Our police forces play an important role in ensuring our security. However, abuse of power is abuse of power, whether the perpetrator is a police officer, a government official, or a protestor. I don’t want to live in a society where young people can be harassed, beaten or criminalized simply because some of them, wisely or not, decided to exercise their constitutional right to protest. In Canada, young people are constantly being told about the value of living in a democracy while recent events have exposed the true coercive nature of state power; that police officers are often treated as above the law right here at home.
According to the report entitled A Breach of the Peace, released from the Canadian Civil Liberty Association, riot police targeted and in some cases, physically abused, some of the demonstrators and innocent bystanders at Queen’s Park, a designated protest area. [ii]While it is understandable to establish high-end security to protect our world leaders, it is a fear-mongering tactic and a trait of a police state to put the entire downtown area into a security lockdown. Even though police officers have every right to stop people from committing property damage, they do not have the right to remove their identification badges in order to anonymously intimidate, harass, or physically force people from exercising their right to peaceful assembly, especially in an area designated as a demonstration site. [iii]
Under our laws, the Canadian government as well as the Ontario government is ultimately responsible for the actions of our police force during the G20 summits. Six months after the G20 summits, the Liberal Ontario government still refused to apologize for its role in enabling the abuse of power despite the “mass violation of civil rights”, or the secret regulation (Regulation 233/10) issued by the Ontario government to drastically expand police power to arrest, search and detain without any legislative vote or publication. [iv]
While Prime Minister Stephen Harper expressed his dismay at the “few thugs” responsible for smashing window during the G20 protests, his government is silent on the loss of civil liberties and abuse of police power during the G20 summit. [v]Federal public safety minister Vic Toews denied having anything to do with the secretive new police power during the G20 summits even though they are responsible for spending a billion dollar on security for the G20 summits.[vi] Just recently, Tom Flanagan, a former campaign manager for Prime Minister Stephen Harper, openly suggested that Wikileak founder Julian Assange should be assassinated. How can we trust our government when one of its advisors is advocating the murder of a man because he distributed information public to the general public?[vii] Last but not least, Mayor Rob Ford is completely supportive of the actions of the police officers and their "aggressive measure to get the situation under control” while Toronto’s deputy mayor, Doug Holyday stated, “We should be paying more attention to the vandals and thugs who tried to wreck our city.”[viii][ix]
After six months of investigation by the Special Investigation Unit, an Ontario’s civilian police watchdog, and intense media attention from the Toronto Star, five officers have finally been identified in the beating of Adam Nobody during his June 25 arrest at Queen’s Park.[x] Although our police force is quick and decisive in arresting several people responsible for violence and vandalism during the summits of world leaders, the SIU has been unable to lay a single charge against any police officers for injuries to civilians during the G20 protests. [xi]
Unfortunately, SIU is often seen as a “toothless tiger and muzzled watchdog” as it does not have the power to require police officers to submit to questioning. A review from the Ontario’s Ombudsman has deemed the SIU for being timid when it comes to investigating the misconduct of police officers. [xii]
Until recently, I have always thought all citizens are equal and are given the same rights and protection, and that the rights of a protestor and a citizen are just as important as the right of a taxpayer. However, I am increasingly becoming cynical about today’s politics because of the lack of mechanisms to prosecute the criminal actions of police officers, as well as our mayor’s replacement of the word “citizens” with “taxpayers” when referring to Torontonians.[xiii] No one should be surprised if young people, particularly the many who are hurt during the G20 protests, as well those with little or no taxable income are turned off from politics and the usual rhetoric of justice, equality and democracy from our supposedly honorable political leaders.
[i] Dimanno, Rosie. (2010, December 9). DiManno: More needed than ‘glib’ answer on G20
The Toronto Star Retrieved from http://www.thestar.com/news/
The Toronto Star Retrieved from http://www.thestar.com/news/
[ii] A Preliminary Report on observation during the 2010 G20 Summit (2010, June 29). Canadian Civil Liberties Association Retrieved from http://ccla.org/wordpress/wp-
[iii] Queen’s Park now the G20 Protest Area CTV Toronto Retrieved http://toronto.ctv.ca/servlet/
[iv] Marin, Andre. (December 2010)“Caught in the Act” Ombudsman of Ontario 64-65 Retrieved from http://www.ombudsman.on.ca/
[v]Campion-Smith, Joanna Smith and Richard J. Brennan (2010, June 27) Thugs justify huge summit security tab, Stephen Harper says Retrieved from
http://www.thestar.com/news/
http://www.thestar.com/news/
[vi] No Author (2010, December 8) Toews denies role in G20 police law CBC News Retrieved from http://www.cbc.ca/politics/
[vii] No Author. (2010, December 4) US embassy cables: Wiki witch hunt, Retrieved from http://www.guardian.co.uk/
[viii] Warmington, Joe. (2010, December 9) Police chief one of the Untouchables The Toronto Sun Retrieved from http://www.torontosun.com/
[ix]Ford, Rob. (2010, June 26) G20 Protesters and Destruction Unacceptable: Ford. Ford for Mayor Retrieved from http://www.robfordformayor.ca/
[x] Kraus, Krystalline (2010, December 11) Activist Communique: Adam Nobody vs the Toronto Police Rabble.ca retrieved from http://rabble.ca/blogs/
[xi] Morrow, Adrian. (2010, November 29) G20 police won’t face criminal charges Globe and Mail Retrieved from http://www.theglobeandmail.
[xii] Leblanc, Daniel and Bill Curry (December 11, 2010) Ontario police watchdog under investigation Globe and Mail Retrieved from http://www.theglobeandmail.
[xii] Amenta, Salvatore (December 10,2010) New low in public discourse. The Toronto Star Retrieved from http://www.thestar.com/
[xii] Amenta, Salvatore (December 10,2010) New low in public discourse. The Toronto Star Retrieved from http://www.thestar.com/
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