Living While Black and Transgender

CeCe Macdonald is charged with second degree murder in Minnesota because she refused to be a victim of her own gender identity and race.

While CeCe, a black transgender woman, and her friends were walking one day on June 5 2011, she was harassed by a group of white men for wearing girl clothes; she and her friends were also called "faggots", "niggers," "chicks with dicks." Instead of accepting public harassment and insults as an inevitable part of being transgender in public, CeCe walked up to tell them she would not tolerate their hateful words. Subsequently, one of the women in the group smashed her glass into Cece's face. A fight broke out, and one of the men in the group was fatally stabbed and died. CeCe required 11 stitches to her cheeks; she is now in solitary confinement and standing trial for second degree murder.

It is not uncommon for trans women to be harassed in public. A video that went viral on the internet last year showed


On CeCe’s blog, she wrote that "being African and Trans is an ultimate challenge.” As with many GLBT kids abandoned by their own family, Cece’s biological family did not support her. While self acceptance is a hard fought battle for any transgender person, this is especially true for transgender women of color, who must deal with the day to day reality of violence. In an annual report released by the National Coalition of Anti-Violence programs, transgender women make up 44 percent of the anti-LGBT murders in 2010. Transgender people of color are also almost 2.5 times as likely to experience discrimination as their white peers.  Even when transgender women survive from attacks, they were the least likely to report an attack because the authorities are overwhelming viewed as "indifferent, abusive or deterrent." a 22 year old transgender woman dragged by her hair and then beaten for using the women's restroom at a McDonald restaurant. Transgender people are often assaulted and killed for simply living their life. Prior to 2009, hate crimes committed against transgender people were not recognized in the U.S. (Allen Andrade of Colorado was the first U.S. man to be convicted of murder and a hate crime for killing a transgender teen in April, 2009.)

 

Despite her hardships, Cece is not ashamed of herself, and she paid a horrendous price for refusing to be victimized based her identity. Cece is an inspiring woman to me because she reminded me that we should never accept our own marginalization, or to stand down and accept having to live in fear. The road to justice might not be favorable for CeCe, but we must still walk through it together so justice will prevail for all of us.

 

You can visit this page to support CeCe and get updates on her case

You can't fix me

For the past 10 to 15 years, I’ve been suffering from depression, and I don’t feel like a fully human at least for a few hours every day. I spend 30 minutes running on a treadmill. The remaining time is for working or sleeping or surfing the internet. Sleeping gives me the breathing room to be away from my own conscious s hell. Running has allowed me to be productive while I am awake; it gives me the boost I need to get on with each day. On the rare occasions that I don't run, I feel extremely negative about myself and life in general. Specifically, I would feel uncomfortable with the way I look, and I’d get so nervous and close to having panic attacks.

Running is just a band aid solution for me though. As the effects of endorphins die down, and the euphoric feeling I get from running dwindles, I start losing my concentration, Negative thoughts resurface and multiply, and I go back to my old habits of numbing myself with unrestrained internet surfing, binge eating and other self-sabotaging behavior.

Years of depression and social anxiety have caused me to lose touch with myself. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t medicated with one pill or another. On my good days, I feel like a walking shell. On my bad days, I cannot stop thinking and worrying about people and everything that goes on in my surroundings.

I haven’t always been this way, not until I was into my adolescent years. The most important lesson I learned in high school was self-loathing. I was called a loser and abused everyday at school by bullies, and I was paralyzed with fear. The bullies made me feel worthless. I also started hating myself because I believed I was an ugly faggot, not worthy of having friends, let alone being loved.

Since the bullying, I became desperate. The way I feel about myself depends entirely on whether I have a boyfriend or any friends at the moment. II came to see myself as someone who cannot be fixed because I internalized myself to the extent that my entire identity is my depression, social anxiety and self loathing. Since I spent my formative years hating myself and living with the mental health issues that have arisen due to bullying, I never had a chance to develop fully into the person I was meant to be, nor have I really come to term with who I am. I was labeled a faggot before I became aware of my own sexuality, and my gender identity came into question when life became unbearable for many different reasons, such as never feeling like I was a man to begin with, and never feeling self acceptance or acceptance from others. What will my identity be if I am ever fixed?

Different psychiatrists and psychologists have worked with me, to no avail. I was put on one medication and another. Nothing changed how I feel about myself or about life. One mental health professional told me my depression is not related to my gender identity or sexuality, and that I should not transition to a woman until I made the transition to be a fully functioning human being. I did not take his advice. Instead, I felt rejected. I visited another psychiatrist and he told me I have gender identity disorder after half an hour of speaking with me. He gave me the green light to start hormone therapy and I never saw him or any other psychiatrist again.


My life hasn’t gotten any easier since I began my hormone therapy. In some ways, I met even more discrimination and prejudices. On the other hand, the way other people see me, and the way I see myself has improved as I start looking more like a female with each passing day. I met a few men who have shown me true understanding and love, who made me feel better about who I am. Nevertheless, I still have trouble changing the way I feel about myself. It is true that “the more things change, the more they remain the same.”

My issue with self acceptance is made even more complicated as I continue to struggle with my identity: Am I a woman or a man, or both or neither? More importantly, depression and social anxiety are still my only constant companions and reminders of how little I have changed over the years and how much my history of being bullied informed the kind of person I am today. The paralyzing effect of fear and self loathing continue to put my life on hold, perhaps indefinitely, so the only thing left for me to do is to run.