I am at war and I know what I am fighting for

I am a great transgender woman because I am unrelenting, friendly thoughtful and funny. I was born male and my transition is still ongoing. I can be horribly lazy, selfish and pessimistic time mind you, but I am a great woman at heart and I am tired of seeking men or society for validation of my own worth.

Throughout most of my life, I‘ve been seeking approval from men for self worth. I realize it is a game I don’t need to play anymore. Building confidence is a life time continual work of progress. Being a confident woman takes a lot of work, and being transgender makes it that much harder.

Women are often judged on our appearance, physical desirability. Unmarried women in their late 20s and 30s are often described as “left over women” in China. They are also called spinster or old maid in the western world. These terms left us with an image of women losers that are left over on the shelves awaiting expiry dates.

It also reminds me of my experience of being the last one to be picked in gym class or school projects. Since grade five, I’ve been heavily bullied. My sense of worth plummeted to almost zero after many years of confined torture also known as homophobic bullying. I wanted acceptance but what I received was abuse, contempt, harassments and alienation. I wanted friendship and love but what I live with is depression, anxiety and self loathing. As an adult, when I think about the men and women who reject me outright or gradually disappear from my life because of my transgender status, I feel like history is repeating itself. Am I going to remain in loserville for the rest of my life?

Then I think about my single mother, who I considered to be the most beautiful woman on earth. My mom gives me love each day through her words and actions. She never let the fact that she is single bring her down, she does everything for her children out of love and I almost think there are no men on earth that is both man enough and good enough for her.

I become stronger when I think about my mom and the love she has for me, as well as the few men and women who has shown true love for me in the past. There’s no better way to honor the love I received than to deeply love myself and accept myself. From now till the day I die, I am going to go on a battle with self hatred and I am going to win love – for myself.

This is a cold war and you better know what you are fighting for

Living While Black and Transgender

CeCe Macdonald is charged with second degree murder in Minnesota because she refused to be a victim of her own gender identity and race.

While CeCe, a black transgender woman, and her friends were walking one day on June 5 2011, she was harassed by a group of white men for wearing girl clothes; she and her friends were also called "faggots", "niggers," "chicks with dicks." Instead of accepting public harassment and insults as an inevitable part of being transgender in public, CeCe walked up to tell them she would not tolerate their hateful words. Subsequently, one of the women in the group smashed her glass into Cece's face. A fight broke out, and one of the men in the group was fatally stabbed and died. CeCe required 11 stitches to her cheeks; she is now in solitary confinement and standing trial for second degree murder.

It is not uncommon for trans women to be harassed in public. A video that went viral on the internet last year showed


On CeCe’s blog, she wrote that "being African and Trans is an ultimate challenge.” As with many GLBT kids abandoned by their own family, Cece’s biological family did not support her. While self acceptance is a hard fought battle for any transgender person, this is especially true for transgender women of color, who must deal with the day to day reality of violence. In an annual report released by the National Coalition of Anti-Violence programs, transgender women make up 44 percent of the anti-LGBT murders in 2010. Transgender people of color are also almost 2.5 times as likely to experience discrimination as their white peers.  Even when transgender women survive from attacks, they were the least likely to report an attack because the authorities are overwhelming viewed as "indifferent, abusive or deterrent." a 22 year old transgender woman dragged by her hair and then beaten for using the women's restroom at a McDonald restaurant. Transgender people are often assaulted and killed for simply living their life. Prior to 2009, hate crimes committed against transgender people were not recognized in the U.S. (Allen Andrade of Colorado was the first U.S. man to be convicted of murder and a hate crime for killing a transgender teen in April, 2009.)

 

Despite her hardships, Cece is not ashamed of herself, and she paid a horrendous price for refusing to be victimized based her identity. Cece is an inspiring woman to me because she reminded me that we should never accept our own marginalization, or to stand down and accept having to live in fear. The road to justice might not be favorable for CeCe, but we must still walk through it together so justice will prevail for all of us.

 

You can visit this page to support CeCe and get updates on her case